Thursday, 27 August 2015

another article, in the early hours after laughter and lyrics

So, this is a quick, hastily-typed, late night entry, just to let you guys know I had another Hellogiggles article published. *claps happily* It's about Modern Family and Alex Dunphy and all the craziness of pressure. And here's the link (I promise I will write a proper post in the next few days but it's nearly three am right now :))

In the meantime, I've just got in from a night with friends, where we sat and talked about the different people we love and danced like there was no one watching. I've still got "Girls" by The 1975 playing in my mind, the way I always do when I come home from these nights, with laughter and lyrics singing together in the early hours of the morning.

Wednesday, 19 August 2015

under the fairy lights, in front of the screen: for with that grand collision, came a grave consequence

My cousins and I lie against one another on the couch, while our parents sing outside under the fairy lights. It's nearly two in the morning and my dad is strumming his guitar while they all sing the Beatles and Simon and Garfunkel in the summer evening. My cousins and I flick through channels on the TV. C and I laugh at  The Thick Of It, while K tells me about the Sherlock Proms and we choose our favourites on the Gogglebox repeats. The night is falling around us all but there's a sense of safety there, that's been there since earlier in the evening, fighting over Brie and crackers, to an impromptu family barbecue where we shared stories of battles fought with teachers and Youtube videos of prank phone calls. For the moment, I feel like I can relax. For the moment, I feel like perhaps the future could be something good, after all.
Here's an insanely long playlist of what I've been listening to the last few weeks. Check out the last song. Seriously, if nothing else, check out the last song.

Fine Without You-Best Coast
Take A Picture-Filter
Mr.Brightside-The Killers
Haunted-Taylor Swift
Brand New Day-Kodaline
We Found Love-Rihanna
Girls Like Girls-Hayley Kiyoko
In The Woods Somewhere-Hozier
News Of The World-The Jam
Gold Coins-Charli XCX
From Eden-Hozier
Life Of The Party-Shawn Mendes
I Want The One I Can't Have-The Smiths
Long Division-Death Cab for Cutie
Just Like Heaven-The Cure
Girls-The 1975
That's Entertainment-The Jam
Ghosts Of Beverly Drive-Death Cab for Cutie


Tuesday, 11 August 2015

we don't have to be ordinary, make your best mistakes

At about six in the morning, I was sitting in bed, listening to "Life Of The Party" by Shawn Mendes, and watching the "About Ray" trailer.


I can't even put into words how excited I am for this film.

In the meantime, I've been losing myself in writing for the last few days. The other day, I was idly calculating how many stories or books I've written since I was a kid and managed to remember some vague details of my first novel, which I wrote at the age of ten. It dealt with the French Revolution and a family on the run and the conflicts between the rich and the poor, and had some ridiculously tragic ending, which somehow ended up in a cave. I've no idea what I was thinking, either, but I randomly loved writing it.
At the moment, I'm trying to get that feeling back with the novel I'm currently working on. Maybe that's the way it is with everything-once it becomes something you tell yourself you have to do, there's something less fun about the whole process. So I've been trying to take the stress off myself a little, by reminding myself that this is fun. It's meant to be fun. That's why I started writing it. It's one of the first things I've worked on that I think has  any hope of being really, really good, and I'm trying to take deep breaths with it. Deep breaths between battering the page with words.
In the meantime, let me get on my pedestal. Because there are things I love writing and reading that are not technically books. They are...take a deep breath, everyone.....FANFICS.
Oh yes. Because seriously, almost everyone I know reads fanfiction and a lot of them write it, so I don't know why it gets such a bad rap. It's a world you love! That you get to play in! And mess about with the little details! And see what other people think! What's not to love?!
This might be a randomly off-tangent rant, but I guess I'm fed up of people asking me "What's the point of fanfiction?" Honestly, does there have to be a point to every single act ever? And in the meantime, why shouldn't people write what they want? It lets them practice their writing. It lets them spend more time with the characters they love. It lets them have fun. I'm still looking, and I can't find a problem.


               Lastly, I've been watching this music video on repeat over and over, the last few days. It reminds me of a short story, a summer dream caught in a memory of an important moment in someone's life, a moment when everything you thought you knew changed.

Tuesday, 4 August 2015

'cos he had sworn not to be what he'd been before

It hurts when you're heartbroken and you're not as heartbroken as you thought you would be. It feels strange, like I'm constantly waiting for it to hit me. When you like someone and don't even really know them properly, it's difficult. You sway back and forth between do you like them or the idea of them? If you hear something even the slightest bit negative, you tell yourself it's just a rumour. But the slightest positive thing is twisted into fact, something you can cling to as proof that this is worth your time. Our minds protect us, I think, from when we might be about to be broken. They keep protecting us, until it leads to you sitting at a computer, listening to Death Cab for Cutie on repeat and referring to yourself in the second person as you try to make sense of everything.
I don't go to church, usually. I have my own way of thinking and believing in things. But today, I went to light two candles. Thirteen years ago today, two little girls passed away. I didn't know them or their families. I was only five myself at the time. But something about their story in the news stuck with me for years on end. Something about it was immediate to me, and it became something that stuck in my head. It hurt and I chastised myself for it hurting. It couldn't hurt because I didn't know them. Even though it made sense for it to hurt, even for everyone who didn't know them, I couldn't shake the feeling that feeling so sad about it was inadvertently stealing from their family's pain, from what it must be like for all those who knew them.
I sometimes wonder if this is what it is like for anyone else, if anyone else mulls over stories they hear on the news and can't shake the sheer sadness of them, the loss it leaves. For me, having relatives who work in law enforcement and the media, to hear about these cases has an extra sense of immediacy. But sometimes, I wonder if anyone else hangs onto these stories, the faces of children who should be more than stories on the news.
I lit two candles and thought about them for a while. Something about it made me feel better, more at peace with the world around me. Maybe we can hold onto the stories, if we try to remember they're more than those stories. And maybe we're doing the right thing by remembering them.
I listened to "Long Division" by Death Cab for Cutie over and over on repeat as I walked around the convenience store and as I lay on the couch, reading and thinking about being heartbroken in the late summer sunset. I thought about the person I liked-still like-and was surprised at how dull the pain felt. I wondered idly if it should feel sharper, stronger. Maybe I didn't like him as much as I thought I did. Maybe I've got more to focus on than the last time I was heartbroken over someone. Or maybe I'm simply growing away from the pain.